A Dude's Guide to Gift Wrapping

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The Gospel According to Matthew tells how the Three Wise Men brought the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh, thus setting off a tradition that has evolved into Black Friday and Cyber Monday. The Wise Men also started a tradition of guys not wrapping their presents. We know this to be true because nativity scenes never include wrapping paper or neatly tied bows.

(If Matthew wrote about Three Wise Women, each present would have been cunningly wrapped in paper printed with a specially carved potato stamp and decorated with bows, real ivy and a couple sticks of cinnamon.)

Fortunately, adult men don't expect gifts between buddies to be wrapped. A simple grunt and a bottle opener suffice. When a woman enters your life, however, they'll expect wrapping paper to cover that blender or snow blower that will land you on the couch Christmas night. Thus, Coupon Sherpa offers the following Dude's Guide to Gift Wrapping.

1. Whenever possible, buy pre-wrapped gifts.

2. Go to the mall and have the Girl Scouts wrap your presents.

3. Drop into the dollar store and buy a fancy gift bag. Stick the present into the bag. If the bag is too small, cover the top of the present with festive plastic wrap, (which you'll probably find under the kitchen sink).

4. Grab a newspaper and tear off a page, preferably from the Sunday funnies to add color. Ball the paper up around the gift and use a red rubber band to hold the whole thing together.

5. Tin foil makes good wrapping paper because it actually clings to the gift. Begin by locating the tin foil (also under the kitchen sink). Eyeball the size of the present and rip off a sheet of tin foil that roughly corresponds in size. Smush it around the gift and tie together with a shoelace, string, rubber band or whatever is at hand. You can get tin foil on the cheap with grocery coupons.

6. The garbage-bag method is tried and true by guys the world over. Use a kitchen garbage-can bag for smaller objects or an outdoor refuse bag for larger gifts, like the Bosch 4100DG-09 Table Saw you've had your eye on at Home Depot. Place the gift in the trash bag, cinch it closed with several twist ties, toss a bow on top and stick it under the tree.

7. If you're lucky enough to have both a square gift and wrapping paper, you might attempt traditional gift wrapping. You'll need two rolls of gift paper, scissors, tape, protractor, compass, pencil, staple gun, Elmer's Glue, four arms and a chin. Using the basic formula (x = x 0 + v 0 t + 1/2at2) -> (μk < μs always) where Q = mc Δ T (MCAT !), cut out a piece of wrapping paper. Set the present in the middle and realize the paper doesn't cover the bottom of the present. Cut a few more pieces of paper and tape them onto the box until the gift is covered. For extra points, glue on a silk flower from the dining-table centerpiece.

Handy tip: Avoid crumbling into a sobbing ball of frustration by marking the end of the sticky tape with after cutting off a piece.